Why Give A Second Chance? By Enoch and Grisham

Enoch and Grisham, very thoughful article. There are some transgressions that are very difficult to forgive or forget. As you said, they can eat us up, so we must try in one way or another to come to peace with them.

Very good article my friends.

Waanakiwin

While I'm not at all religious, I do believe in the power of forgiveness.

I liked this article. I try to forgive for my own sake. Trouble is that even with forgiveness I find it hard to trust again.

Enoch: There are prices to be paid for every choice.

Indeed there are, and since none of us are omniscient, the cost of our choices is often more than we expect and sometimes more than we can pay. It can become a legacy we pass on to our children. If we choose hatred, we allow negativity into our lives. When we harbor a grudge, speak out in anger, act out of jealousy, deny support out of vindictiveness, we leave no room for love or empathy. We feel the pain of betrayal, the bitterness of defeat. Our souls are diminished. We cannot grow until we learn to forgive.

Forgiveness begins with our self. We cannot forgive others until we can forgive our self. All the might-have-beens, the missed opportunities, the wasted chances to do what is moral and just that we mourn cut us off from the rest of humanity, from the Other. Those shameful secrets we think make us unworthy of love and respect are the breeding ground for the hate we project onto others. Once we acknowledge that we deserve a second chance, we can reach out to those others. We can empathize and love.

Love your enemies as you love yourself.
Do good to those who hate you.
At the very least, it will confuse them.

Wonderful article!

I have found personally that forgiveness is the most difficult thing one ever has to do. Growing up in the church, it is always a topic of sermons, and that we are to forgive freely and often. I understand the need to fogrive. Forgiveness is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. It stops the power of hurt someone has over you, forgiveness makes you stronger and wiser.

What I struggle with is after. The interpretation of the after you forgive if that makes sense! Do I still hang out with those who have wronged me? Do I put myself in positions where the person will still hurt me? Having gone through some pretty difficult times (molestation at 10 by a 13 year old family friend and date rape in high school..) I know for a fact I don't ever have to see them again. I forgave and moved on. When it is one of those gray areas.... a friendship or a spouse... what point do you say "Enough. I can't forgive."

I worked with a woman who was quite a bully. Being forced to work side by side for ten years took a toll. Of course you protect yourself, you become careful in what you say, and make sure meetings are always with more people than just the two of you. Dealing with that, the frustration of knowing that person is going to hurt you... and then forgiving after.

Luckily, she is retiring, and I haven't had to deal with her this year. The moment I finally forgive, I will let you know.

E

Hate is a poisonous concept. Holding a grudge leads no where good. I find it better to avoid association where I can with those who earn my distrust. I forgive, forget, and get on with living life. It is easier to be polite than to constantly fight.

An excellent article, Grisham and Enoch. The above quote pretty much describes my thoughts on the topic. I'll just add that I think real forgiveness is a process and not a one time event. It takes time to forget, and sometimes, we never do -- that is, though we might forgive and let go of our anger and hurt, we might still have trust issues stemming from the incident.

I think another factor that we often see, is the concept of justice and how it relates to forgiveness and acceptance. I frequently hear people say that they will forgive when justice has been served. I'm not convinced that this is real forgiveness. As you say Enoch, forgiveness should come unconditionally, wanting nothing in return. If forgiveness is attached to justice (and punishment) then the poison is still within us.

An interesting topic. Some things are hitting close to home.

What I've learned through life, and relationships, from friends to family, is, its about personal value.

What is the value that you place on a relationship. Any relationship.

Is it worth it to you personally to compromise your values?!

How much are you willing to pay?

There is only one person that can answer that. You.

In some of the lessons I've learned through pain, carrying a grudge is time consuming, stealing your thoughts of other objects of value.

I have been wronged by a brother and have decided not to waste my thoughts.

I came to terms with the fact that I had to give more and received nothing but grief for my troubles. I waste no more time on it, for I have decided when the time comes for our next interaction it will be final chapter for one of us. I do not dwell for my value has been established by me. I wish for this to not happen, and will before the fact announce my intention. Win or lose.

I have removed myself from the scene and situation not wanting this to happen. However, some people are not clear thinking enough to do the same. After all, we all establish that value.

A well written and thoughtful article my friends. As a Christian forgiveness is a big part of my life. We are told in scripture that we must forgive as our Father in heaven has forgiven us. Forgiveness I feel does not entitle approval of the behavior, but acceptance that we are not the ones to judge. That if God judged us as we truly deserve to be judged that we would al be lost.

"Love you neighbor as you love yourself" How much easier is it to forgive yourself? If you gave do that then you can forgive your neighbor. That is one of the qualities of true Agape. For those tht have pets how many times have you forgotten to feed them, you have scolded them, or is some cases accidentally hurt them. Yet you are always forgiven. What a lesson we con learn from our furry friend.

Lastly the lesson from our Lord Himself. As Christ hung on the cross, bearing the weight of the worlds sins. After He had been scourged and beaten, humiliated and scorned. HE looked down from the cross as blood ran from His brow His hands and His feet. He uttered these words. "Father forgive them for they do not know what they do". That is the real meaning of forgiveness to me.

Blessings
H

I must admit, I am a true Scorpio. I feel and react with deep passion in my personal life. I am not always easy to get along with because I freely speak my mind and after 50+ years, I am set in my ways. This caused great fear after being single for over 20 years and having hubby move into my life and home. It took us a while to get into our own grove together, but, he accepts me as I accept him.

However, his ex did the unforgivable in my eyes. She called my home and started yelling at my husband. I was a room away and could hear her through the phone. Now, in my home, yelling is not an option. It solves nothing and breaks down communication. I called her and she did not answer, so, I left a message:

"K, this is, R. If you cannot talk to my husband without yelling, please refrain from calling our house. Thank you."

She never called here again, instead, she went behind my back and calls him on his cell phone. Look lady, you asked for a divorce 15 years ago, you got it. The children are grown and we are in constant contact. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO TALK ABOUT, PLEASE STOP!!!

Anyway, I've decided she isn't worth my time or frustration. I have left it at that. When we see each other in stores, we just politely say hello and leave it at that.

As for friends, I have two very close friends, that's all. I have some acquaintances, but, I do not let many people into my inner circle. Self preservation, at it's finest. If I do not put myself out there, less chance of me getting hurt or betrayed.

I have been hurt (physically, mentally & emotionally). I have forgiven. Not for them, but, for me. If it's a minor transgression, then yes, a second chance it indeed required. If it is major, no, I walk away. I will forgive, but, I will never put myself in that place again.

Learning to forgive, and the necessity of it, is an easy answer for me. The time and effort needed to maintain a grudge is simply unwanted stress and a waste of time.

Very good article, good discussion.

As I age I realize more and more that forgiveness is uniquely important for both physical, emotional and mental health. BUT, there is in this discussion something we should consider before forgiveness. Someone mentioned this above: Choices. It is quite often the choices we make that take us where forgiveness becomes an option or necessity.

We choose our friends, our neighbors, our community. How we choose can make a big impact on the amount of transgressions committed against us.

We choose where to live, both for housing and for our daily work or play. Sadly there are places you can go in this world that will automatically lead you where transgressions assail from every side.

Timing can be a choice. Sometimes a perceived transgression is only so because of the timing involved.

What the transgression is may in and of itself not be something to fret about. Sometimes we make mountains out of molehills.

If we consider when things happen we might discover we were either tardy or early to some personal confrontation. It may also be that the transgressor has arrived at a particular time of day or of his/her life.

Why someone does or says something that ires us can ameliorate a lot of grief. If we would only realize that others see things somewhat different than we do.

All of these points were at least tangentially contained in this thread already. I have put them in this format so that those who see forgiving as something they need to heal their soul can maybe understand that they shouldn't have put themselves in the position of having to forgive.

Forgiveness is not a unique spiritual belief. Forgiveness is a human trait that is required for the continuation of the species. There is no such thing as an unforgivable transgression. There are only those who cannot bring themselves to forgive. And we are all humans.

Great article, Enoch and Grisham!

I find it far easier to forgive those who do me harm than those who do harm to someone I care for. I suspect that is because we cannot presume to extend forgiveness on behalf of another. Still, I find that even after my loved one has forgiven a wrong done to him or her by someone else, I still resent it.

But for me the bottom line is: what keeps me awake at night? Not the injustices, real or imagined, that others may have done to me. Only those that I realize I have done to others over a lifetime, and may never be able to atone for beyond striving to learn and to live a better life.

Great article Enoch and Grisham, nice to see two perspectives working in tandem.

I am a person that weighs the transgression and my response, could be as simple as an apology, to "Yes, I will let you back in my life to an extent, the rest will take time and no evidence of the past".

I rarely shut someone completely out, it's just not in my personality, both my ex-wives and the ex-girlfriends that really wanted friendship after the relationship have found this to be so. I keep friends a long time, some have been around for 40 years. In 40 years you tend to see certain things and changes that tell the tales and one must accept that they are resaults of changes and not deliberate. I will use my Ex-wife as a great example, when she began menopause her personality changed in drastic manner, we divorced but understanding what was happening has brought us around full circle to where she settled in to her "new life" and realised what she had done she found comfort in knowing I had already understood and felt her friendship and wellbeing were important enough to stay close and ride the bumps. Today she calls on occasion and has an open door. But that closeness never would have happened if she did not come to her awakening and came back to discuss what happened.

I am clearly honest with all people and do the same as I expect. Adulthood is so much fun, and has many more adventures than I ever had as a youth.

When I learned to forgive others,I then learned to forgive myself. It is a great way to heal your heart. Nice article!

Many times there is a fine line between "forgiving" and "enabling".

Addicts many times confuse the two. The example of Hosea and Gomer demonstrate how the one person was left along in their depravity until they were really ready for the help they needed.

Many people insist on linking foolish behavior with noble behavior. "Forgive and forget". The first is noble (and usually includes forgiving oneself for activity leading to the problem). The second is foolish. One cannot forget (unless the head trauma from the confrontation was enough...). One can refrain from constantly reminding the other of the behavior UNTIL it happens again. Preventive measures are far better than ANOTHER incident...

I think I take an initial "benefit of the doubt" position most of the time with most people. As in, I assume the person made a mistake, or that I'm misunderstanding that person's intent. Mainly, I try not to selfishly make it about me from the get-go in that I try not to presume they hurt me deliberately. That way avoids the most pain and confusion for everyone and enables the kind of productive relationship discussion that usually leads to an understanding that makes forgiveness unnecessary. Or which maybe IS forgiveness itself, I'm not sure.

It doesn't always work, though. Some peoples' pain or insecurity is simply too deep and if they can't be helped, or they persistently don't understand relationship boundaries, it becomes necessary to protect one's self from. Those are the ones who, to my way of thinking, need forgiveness the most.

I don't know if I've explained it very well, but...there it is.

Excellent article, as usual.

I too am of the opinion that forgiveness is the path that one should attempt to take. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Some of us make mistakes that are worse than others, true - but holding onto grudges, holding onto hate, seeking revenge - these things will poison you from the inside out. That's not what it means to be human, although all too often (as history is witness) it seems to be a defining characteristic of our species.

But forgiveness does not necessarily equal turning a blind eye to a past offense. For example, forgiving a spouse for infidelity does not necessarily mean that you are required to attempt to make the relationship work. Sometimes, the best thing for both people is to simply maintain a friendship.

Giving forgiveness is offering a gift to a transgressor. I go a long way with people until I realize that they really are just mean and self serving individuals. So, I just maintain politeness and go forward and hold no ill-will in my heart.

Where I work, I have been there for 27 years. (I KNOW!!! I was hired while still a toddler). :) I've worked in my little office for 20 years. Then a couple of months ago the new CEO wanted a friend hired and I was to move to a cubicle. It did hurt for a while but, we all still strive to do a good job no matter where we sit. I am the Administrative Assistant for the CEO and he did not tell me.. one of his underlings did. :)

Well when his friend came in for her first day she apologized to me as she realized she was sitting in my ex-office.. she had been there many times for paperwork during the hiring process. The poor lady felt horrible. I told her on her first day, when she told me she didn't know I was losing my office and that she could do her job the same where I was sitting, I told her to not worry about a thing and we have since become friends . She is such a sweet lady!.

My forgiveness is extended to my boss because he put this dear lady through this. Forgiveness has a lot of power if given from the heart.

Awesome article Enoch and Grisham!!!! Thank you very much. :)

I have an older friend named Bud. When we talked about the concept of forgiveness during a retreat he said, " I have no problem with forgiveness, I forget everything anyway." He and his oneliners are keepers.

Dear Enoch and Grisham, Everyone deserves a second chance and in most instances a third and fourth one too! We are Humans and Humans are good at making mistakes,hurting one anothers feelings and trespassing againsteach other comes easy to us Humans. It is a better person who can forgive those who offend them. Remember, Karma is an important concept. When we do wrong to our loved ones and close friends, do we not want a second chance or as many as it takes to make things right? This is Human nature.

Quite often people intrepret "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" as meaning instead "do unto others as they do unto you." Thus they travel life always trying to "get even." I've been guilty of that myself.

The hardest people to forgive, I've found, are family. You somehow expect them to be there for you unconditionally and it really hurts when they betray. But when I do forgive, it's like taking a breath of fresh clean air on the first morning of Fall, when the air is crisp and cool, all the way down to my toes.

Wonderful article Enoch and Grisham.

Forgiveness is definitely important when striving for a peaceful life, I know I would certainly want to be forgiven and get a second chance!! Great article!!

Dear friends Enoch and Grisham, This is a very deep thought article. I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, to those, I really do have to work on forgiving myself and understanding no one is perfect, as much as we would like to be. My own transgressions pop up while sitting quietly, thinking, or sometimes when I'm in bed, thinking of my prayers, and sometimes are just *there*. To me, forgiving self is the most difficult part. I have told you before, Enoch, that I was a very abused child. For many years, I felt that *everything* was my fault. I would try and try to do good to others, but it never seemed to be enough, and I was always apologizing, even though I usually hadn't done anything. I would forgive others just so they would like me. Sadly, it took quite a few decades for me to realize what I was doing was wrong.

Finally, after two divorces, and close to 40 years old, I met a man who, other than my children, was the first person I ever *loved unconditionally*! I guess that came with age and maturity. That was such an amazing thing to me. I feel I was literally *transformed*. Happiness and forgiveness, both of self and others became so easy. In loving this man, I could love so many more things and people, I could truly be Thankful and Grateful for everything in my life. We were together for 20 years. He was diagnosed with cancer and left me, to fulfill and do other things in his life in the time he has left. I amazed myself that I felt it was ok for him to do that, and my feelings for him haven't changed. We are still good friends. He was one of many lessons I've learned, that loving and giving is better than anything, and that feeling will remain with me for the rest of my time here on earth! :-)

Sorry this was so long! ♥