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A family of four was recently referred to me by a Chaplain colleague for temporary Pastoral care. Parents and two sisters lost their sixteen year old male family member suddenly. It is one family, but these are really four individual cases. The point of this article it to convey the reality of what it means to lose someone so young. To address their needs on an interdisciplinary basis.
The departed had not even begun to live his life. Sixteen is just too soon these days to leave this temporal domain.
The youngest sister doesn't know yet what death is, and its implications. Please see my Vine article, "Explaining Death to a Five Year Old - An Issue in Chaplaincy". A custom tailored approach based on this is being used. It is individualized for her personality, age, ability to comprehend and soothing effects. It is devised and being implemented.
The older sister has some of the same dangerous habits as her late brother. Referral for assistance in detoxification, behavior modification, and rehabilitation are being made. Therapy for guilt is also in order. That too is being addressed.
The husband advised that since he lost his only son, he hasn't been with his wife, as married couples do. It is not only a matter of not being in the mood. There are performance issues. Once medical tests were done to rule out organic causes, therapy was arranged to deal with the emotional issues; and other medical help for stress. Both are part of the problem. Addressing both will lead to a solution. This is not uncommon. It generally goes away over time. How long is sufficient time? That varies with every case.
The mother has the most challenges here. She endured several strokes years back. For years she has been in therapy for clinical depression. This loss hasn't helped. It has made things markedly worse. The same rage all in the family feel about the unfairness of this very untimely loss has been expressed by her to her family. They are going through enough as it is. This is hard for them to take.
The worst case scenario for a parent is to out live a child. This was the parents only son, and the only brother to the sisters.
In addition to everyone going for individual counseling and therapy, they are also in support groups of people who sustained similar losses. All of this helps. They are all going through the different stages of grieving that all of us do in such situations. Each on their own schedule, all in their own unique way.
The issue of clinical depression will not go away rapidly if at all. This too is not unknown. The deep depression did not resolve before this happened to the Mother. Medically supervised chemical intervention along with therapy, counseling and group support are most of what is helping here. Physical activity which allows for the the expression of rage and is an outlet for pent up emotions is a part of the long journey back. It also frees the family from lashing out by the mother at them.
With the family as a whole, with individual members, and all possible combinations thereof we sit together and read Psalms, and other favored Scriptural and literary passages. Anything that soothes, comforts, provides meaning, and calms.
A sense of inner peace per person and inter-family is also a large part of the difficult journey back to a normal life routine. There are things that affect us greatly. We have no control over them. When they occur they leave huge gaping voids in our lives. Spaces are there which can never completely be refilled. The sooner we can fill them in, and learn behaviors that help us to cope with loss, the sooner we can return to life as much as we knew it before tragedy. Here too a multi-disciplinary approach yields best results.
Part of pastoral care is to be a gateway to plan and secure such professional services as are needed in concert with those best specialized in providing them. Another is to tend to spiritual needs through prayer, ritual, and such other tools as help people cope with enormous loss and life changing events. Finally, working within the world view and heritage of the family, on a group and individual basis. Find out what works for them, individually and collectively and communicate it. Assist them in dealing with it, and how they can apply it when you are not around.
As with any professional activity the goal is to make yourself unnecessary. To build up their body of knowledge and skills so they don't need you to address what they must. The sooner they reach that stage of independence, the sooner they can get on with their lives.
Time will hang heavy. Most of that is up front. It never really goes away. The same time, empty time that is so problematic early on is a valuable tool the farther one gets from such traumatic events. It is imperative that you help those in need to make time their friend. Time is either a great ally, or a stunningly terrible adversary.
Pastoral care is very intensive up front. Incrementally, a Chaplain must make themselves less necessary. Gradually the Pastor must withdraw from a case and move on to the next one. Not prematurely, but not belatedly.
So many cases. So much need. So few resources.
We get through these things together. As it is written in Hebrew, "Henei mah tov, u'mah nayim, shevit achim gam yachad".
"Behold, how good and how nice it is to sit together as brothers".
How good and nice indeed.
Peace, blessings and fellowship when most you need it, Enoch.
