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After the funeral, when condolence calls cease, after the survivor and family are alone, then what? Time hangs heavy.
When we lose someone near and dear to us, a life partner, a family member, close friend, work colleague, anyone we were close to in life we will be left by our self at some point. Alone to deal with the waves of emotions that flood over us from inside.
We will have to deal with the fact that a very important part of us is no longer here. Absent to help us celebrate and share in good times. Missing to help us get through the challenges we all face in life. There is and will be a void.
Among the things we must face are filling that void, and the motivation to go on with our lives. We need a plan for this. Here is a six step approach to consider.
First, a plan of action is needed to address going through the difficult process of grieving. We need to work through our emotions as they come to us. In books they separate by chapter the various stages of mourning. Each set of feelings is given its own unique part of this book of life.
In reality we know it is not that tidy. Clusters of emotions, some dominant, some recessive of varying strengths well up within us. The flood up from deep within, and not in distinct patterns. Rather they are like the raging waters of a river swollen with spring snow melt off. They sweep through damaging anything in their path. They will not be denied. It is a series of portals through which we must all pass.
There should be counseling from Pastor or Chaplain on the spiritual side. In cases where understandable depression becomes a clinical issue, board certified state licensed therapists specializing in this should be a part of the team of wellness service providers. There are group sessions and support organizations as well. Each case is different. This is the value of making use of a primary care physician or case worker who can act as a gatekeeper, coordinator and referring agent for services to the bereaved.
Second, there will be a void in the life of every survivor. The more the deceased was central to their life, the greater the void. A plan is needed to address what is missing. Where possible fill that void with something that is relevant to what has been lost. Nothing will bring back the dead. No one can replace who is lost. But there are people and activities that help us cope with this new life chasm.
Third, part of the process is to create a plan to help keep alive the best memories of the departed. These are the best of times. There will be more good times to be had by all alive in the future. Knowing what constitutes a memorable moment from the past makes it easier to seize the opportunities going forward for more good times. These are part of times that develop and fulfill us. No one is truly gone until the last person whose life they touched and can recall with fondness is gone.
Fourth, the good deeds this person did in life must live on in continuation to fully reap the harvest of the benefits they already achieved. For the survivors to be there for others as the departed were there for them. This gives them motivation to move on. To extend and complete in their lifetimes what was begun when all dear to them were present.
Next, what was said in section four also applies to the good values of the departed. Those too must be kept alive, and used for the greater good of those whom the survivors can help in life. It is a logical extension of an action in progress.
Finally, a plan must include the drive to go on, and do what the mourners can and should. As the departed did right, so the survivors should do likewise. As those who transited from this life did acts of loving kindness, so the remaining should follow suit. There are those around us who need us, even as we needed those who preceded us when they were here. We must be there for ours now, as those who entered a better place were there for us. We owe that to the ones who need us now. We owe it to the sacred memory of those who moved on and up the great chain of being.
The most compelling reason to go on with our lives is to follow in the footsteps of those who lived a good life for us when they had the chance. Now it is our turn to so do for their values. We also need to fulfill our obligations to those who now look to us. These duties are Holy.
We have been gifted the right role models in our predecessors. Now is our time to complete what they started in our lifetime while we have life left. We must do this for those who deserve the same from us as we got from those of blessed memory.
If not now,when?
