Relax. We split the check three ways.

At Pane's in North Tonawanda, NY Viners Scar Tissue, Spikegary and Enoch broke bread together. After disposing of the broken baked goods, we had a pleasant meal. Here, in terse verse is a historically inaccurate recounting of "The Legend that Lasted A Lunch Time"!

The outlook was brilliant for the Viners three that day. At Pane's Ristorante, there would be calories at play.

When the meat passed of old age, and the produce did the same, a roaring noise came through the windows from the Payne Avenue traffic lane.

A straggling few patrone's got up from their warm seats. The rest stayed around for the dessert cart, to feed expanding waist lines with Pane's stale sweets.

They thought, if only Jim Jones, the Pane's Kool Aid Chef would get busy and bake. They could really crown their meal with his famous and tasty poison cake.

But Elsa Maxwell preceded Jim Jones, and like wise so Eunuch the cheese greater. The former was a greeter, the latter was our waiter.

So the obese multitude with adipose tissue reclined. There seemed but little chance of Jim Jones feeding arsenic to those who dined.

But Elsa Maxwell got us window scenic seating, to the wonderment of all. And the under paid server Eunuch tore the cover off a meat ball.

And when the porous pasta limpened, and we saw what had occurred. There was Jovial Jim Jones stirring batter, with milk that had no curd.

From five thousand calories of petrified bread sticks there arose an acrid smell. Tummies rumbled from the lobby, diners loosened belts saying "what the hell"!

Cries pounded from Routes I-290 to NY-425. From Ward to West Streets all felt vibrant and fully alive.

There was ease in Jim Jones manner, as he advanced to the metallic mixing bowls. For years he prepared to make this savory collation for his clients pie holes. 

And when, responding to the burps, he lightly doffed his floppy Chef's hat. There seemed no doubt that Jim Jones was going to bake a cake; and that was that!

And now the leathery dough in mixer with eggs beating in haughty granduer sped. This is just my style said Chef Jim Jones. "Code violation one", the health inspector said.

From the table to the bar stools, there went up a muffled roar. Like the sounds patrons made by while viewing stripper poll gyrations by Pane's Adult dancer, Trolls Galore.  

"Tier Six him, cut his pension by 40%",  someone shouted from the out house. And likely they would have cut his retirement, had not Jim Jones bade them to cease and desist from the grouse.

With a smile of culinary charity, the great Jim Jones humanity shown. He stilled the rebellious tumult. He bade the Master Baking go on.  

He signaled to the Eunuch on the house a round to pour. Yet the health inspector up and shouted, "Code Violation Two, that dough your mixing had fallen on the dirty floor"!   

"Bureaucrat, Phony" yelped the hungry. And the echo replied "Bureaucrat, phony"! But one scornful look from Jim Jones, and the irrational mob quietly returned to munching macaroni.

They saw his ugly mug grow stern and facial color stained. They knew Jim Jones wouldn't let another violation slow him down again.

The calm is gone from Jones's eyes, his guts are clenched in hate. He pounds with cruel violence his rolling pin on the pie plate.

And now the Meister Chef holds the icing bag, and now he lets it flow.

And now the cigar smoked air is non-stagnant by the force of Jim Jones blow.

Oh, somewhere in Dreary Erie County, the sun is shining bright. The children are playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.

And somewhere near Niagara Falls is a laughing Joe named Morton, who enjoys gourmet bake.

But the mini Vine meet at Pane's had to go to Tim Horton's for a Twinkies like dessert snack cake!

We spent a day at the G.H. Lilac Festival communing with nature and mud. In Alphabetical order, there were Kavika, A.K. Luahiwa, Al-316, and Enoch.

You can really work up an appetite hiking the trails of Highland Park during ragweed season. When the lilacs are in bloom, and the sod covered with dog droppings, it's like a piece of heaven came down and beaned you.

At low noon, each of us got into our vehicles and sped off to Jay's Diner for a sumptuous repast. A.K. had coupons. Endure one meal, get another of equal or lesser value for half price. Kavika, ever the survivalist had a case of Maalox at the ready. Al and Enoch brought their Scriptures. Before you dine at Jay's, you best find loopholes.

Kavika arrived first on an auburn stallion. Next came A.K. in his family minivan. Then Al in his Ford pick up truck. 24 hours later Enoch pulled up in his Quadra-tired Chrysler-Insipid. Four limp horsepower gasping for air under the hood.

Kearny Outlaw was the parking lot Valet. K.O. gave us all receipts, except Kavika. Since Kavika let him tend to the horse, Kearny gave Kavika a ticket good for two servings of Etva's Equine Etouffee. Call Jay a master recycler.

When they entered the hallowed halls of Jay's Diner, they saw their good friends Hiram and Arch-Man ordering lunch from everyone's server of choice, Grisham. Hiram said, I would like something which is savory yet nutritious. Low calorie but satisfying. Grisham replied, So would I. But at Jay's you are not allowed to order off the menu.

Arch-Man asked what Grisham recommended. He said, Why not try our $9.95 special. Today only it is at the popular price of $29.95. Arch-Man asked, Why is something that is triple the usual cost a popular price? Grisham said, Jay likes it.

Remote Viewer, Belle, and Tzia are the Hostesses. As ever, they embody all the grace and style the food at Jay's doesn't. They ushered the trio plus one to a booth big enough for two small patrons.

On the way to the table, they passed by signage adorning the walls at Jay's. There were slogans in bold print. One read, Dine at Jay's. Where quality and value are always a consideration. Another was, Eat at Jay's. Where you cannot praise the food or service too highly. A third proclaimed, Management reserves the right to refuse service to Board of Health Inspectors and professional food critics. Indeed!

After a brief 48 hour wait, Grisham made his way to their table. Would anyone care for a beverage? Kavika ordered a KYPIAKOC sassafras tea. A.K. got the Dr. Rex Dexter carbon tetrachloride cola. Al had a HydeWhite raspberry iced tea. Enoch requested a Goes gogel mogel. Grisham didn't ask what a gogel mogel is. He just scribbled, (give him something Vlad's Dog viscous in an Independent American glass) to the Chef, Stranger on the Shore.

Kavika insisted that this time he be served his drink in a clean glass.

They heard music on the juke box. They each asked Grisham what was playing. Al asked, Isn't that Schiller's Ode to Joy? Kavika thought it was The Fountains, by Bidet. A.K. guessed it was, Blame, by Knowleton's Rangers. Enoch felt it was the Hector Villa Lobos arrangement of Cancion by Mompou. Grisham said, You are all in error. This is the Marty Fryberg melody, with lyrics by Dave Mann. It is the polka, I Like Stinky Cheese.

Arch-Man suggested from his table that Enoch post a hyper link to it. Enoch is, after all handy with state of the art computer technology.

72 hours of total silence later (with no hyper link in sight) Grisham returned with the libations. He inquired, Now which one of you specified a clean glass today?

As they sipped the fluids, the piping hot ones were luke warm. The bitter cold ones also luke warm, with ice melted inside them. It was time to order lunch.

A.K., ever the archaeologist asked for something antiquarian. Grisham suggested the Joe Iraqi's Jurassic pork tenderloin, and an Ebola Cola.

Enoch wanted something literary. Grisham proffered a choice of either the Piletre prologue pasta, or the Auger Well allegory of asiago aeoli.

Kavika sought a vegan dish. Is the Lilgremlin's lentil soup reasonable, he inquired? No, snapped Grisham. At Jay's the lent is too damn high!

Al preferred something diet. One Pint's pistachio petunia pot pie, wrote Grisham.

The duo of pairs all ordered the buffet.

In less than 96 hours, Grisham brought them group servings of PJWBur's pecan pancakes with Mrs. D's maple syrple; Bitemore's blueberry blini, bowls of Super Saiyan's political polyp and seaweed soup; and Ray Friedman's rambunctious ravioli with stinky cheese.

At Jay's Diner, you take what they serve, and learn to live with it.

While Grisham doled out the Haute Cuisine vittles, he mentioned that Jay's is expanding the dining room area. When the new section is complete it is going to be huge, he said.

The salad bar will feature fresh planted berries that will be out of season before you see all the choices. The dairy section begins with fresh milk that is aged cheese before you can leave the area. You gain or lose one hour, depending on which direction you enter and exit the meat aisle. The only way to transverse the frozen foods area is by dog sled. It's big, I tell you, said Grisham.

Speaking of frozen and other desserts what does Jay's have to offer us to cap off this meal, A.K. asked? Are there any DougJ.Miller's dessert puddings, inquired Kavika? Can I get a cup of hot fresh CynicL1's coffee asked Al?

Enoch didn't request any information. He was busy translating the menu from Uggarritic, to Hebrew to Accadian and back.

Grisham said, Let me roll in the dessert cart. It's a U-pick arrangement on odd and even days of the week, leap years excepted. Take what catches your eye. It's a free totalitarian establishment here at Jay's.    

Grisham wheeled in the Desert Rattler dessert cart. Al selected the lamentations of Jeremiah lemon-lime sorbet. Kavika went for the Jackie's jasmine Jell-O. A.K. chose the Sydney-5's seven layers of Daniel D's dobish torte. Enoch asked if he could order the Tommy, Tina, and Ted Riggs ten plagues tuitti frutti, and have the Chef hold the frogs?

Can you ask? inquired Grisham. You can say anything. That is your first amendment right. Asking and getting at Jay's are two parallel lines. They will never intersect. At Jay's the paying customer is always wrong (and a nuisance).  

Grisham then poured cups of Ersatz Brothers Broffee. Broffee is a hottish coffee like colloidal suspension served at Jay's. Well, he didn't so much pour it as he parted it down the middle spewing out of the pot.

Al calculated the bill. Of the entourage of five minus one, Al had the best head for numbers. A.K. retains the most balanced historical prospective. Kavika is the most creative writer. And Enoch? He was present as well.

Grisham brought the check. It ran $900 more than Al figured it would. Why the gang demanded to know?

Grisham coolly replied, Some one ordered a clean beverage glass. That is an extra $250 charge. Washing costs money. Water doesn't just fall out of the sky, you know. There is a $175 decible fee. Why? Because your clothes are all loud.

Al asked, what about the other $475? Grisham explained, it is expensive to get this article to Abby in Australia, isn't it. That is at least $300.

That leaves $175 unaccounted for, said Al.

Look, if I had job skills like math, would I be stuck here working at a window on Hades like Jay's Diner?                                      

For your review and comment the following is the outline of the first chapter of my novel, Before The Beginning. The COH is an acronym, and will be viewed accordingly.

I.

     A.

          1.

          2.

     B.

          1.

          2.

II.

     A.

          1.

          2.

     B.

          1.

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III.

     A.

          1.

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This poll is generic. Don't be shy to respond. There are no right answers. Only dumb ones.

Question Number One. How do you feel about the inquiry in my mind now?

__  A. An answer with a vowel.

_— AA. An answer with two vowels, and no cocktail.

_— AAA. An answer with three vowels, and 24/7 towing.

__. AAAA. An answer with not a consonant in the lot.

__. AAAAA. A, and AAA only.

Question Number II. What is the best Entree at Jay's Diner?

__.  I. Persona Non Grata (with red sauce)

__. II. Cambells Cream of Sodium Soup.

__. III. Mad Cow Burger with Baked Fries

__. IV. Innoculate in an Inter-Venus Drip

__. V. Surf and Turf (Tuna in Beef Gravy)

Question Number Next. What is the Right Response When Invited to go Camping with Kavika and Enoch? 

__. An Answer. Tell them you would, but all your money is tied up in cash, so you cannot afford it.

__. Another Answer. Tell them you are under house arrest, but wish them well on their journey.

__. A Third Response. Place yourself on a chair at the front door. Have yourself tied up in ropes. With a frightened look on your face, plead with them to run, and save themselves from the fiend who did this to you. 

__. Next to Last Choice. Let them know life is too short to waste time on polls.

__. Last Exit Before the Toll Answer. Please see previous selection.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this poll. The author recognizes his responsibility to provide the results of this effort after answers have been tabulated; when and if the mood strikes him to so do.

Enoch.          

Construction unearthed a scroll of unknown alpha bet and language. Using state of the art software linguistic and archaeological experts try to decipher the scroll contents. This is their progress to date.

The scroll is known as the Book of Madoff. No one knows if Madoff is a noun, or a verb.

The scroll is from a society known as, or residing in a Street of Walls. The phrase, frequently repeated in the Scroll, an 8% guaranteed return in any and every market, makes scientists think the Street of Walls refers to a mural with advertising of some sort. This suggests the area was a trade route or center of commerce. It may have been a distribution point along a trade route for produce. There are many references to Big Apples. All we know for sure is that they did not sell cleaning products. The Street of Walls was also called a City that Never Sweeps.

It is unclear what the name of the people who lived there was. There are three main theories. First, the word, Ponzi, is to be found all over the Scroll. The name of the occupants of the Street of Walls may be the Ponzia's. It is not yet known what Ponzi means.

Second and third theories are based on the constant use of two words. Pyramid and Scheme.

The name of these people could have been Pyramid or Scheme. Both are equally plausible. There are also many references to Pyramidiots, and Schemers. As more is known about the grammatical constructs of the language, it will be easier to know precise meanings.

There is no archaeological record of the the culture of the people who produced the Scroll of Madoff. Here too, several theories abound. There is not yet sufficient evidence to support one over the other.

It it thought that mathematics played a great roll in the commerce and culture of the Pyramidiots, and or the Schemers. The Scroll is repleat with numbers. Teams of math professors cannot understand from where these numbers emanate, or why they are called derivatives. They do not seem to derive from any model or calculation that bears any resemblance of relationships to nature, society or economic activity.

The travel patterns of the Madoffians is also a puzzlement. 71 per cent of the time, the author or authors of the Scroll seemed to live and work in the Street of Walls. The other 29 per cent, during warm weather they would go on pilgrimages to a site known as the Hamptons.

It is thought that the Hamptons are a site of Sacred and or ritual value. Religious phrases of the Madoffese such as, floating prime, and beach festivals seem to indicate that rituals were practiced near the water. References to weekend bar be ques may refer to animal sacrifices. It is not known what odd sounding words like, sauces, rubs, and marinades mean. These may hold the clue to meaning and purpose of the sacrifices.

In colder times, the Madoff tribes were known to migrate to warmer places such as Florida, Bahamas and Caribbean in search of game and other foods. More research is needed to know if these are real locations. If so, where would they be? One guess is Pennsylvania. It is well established they were a literate society. The State named after the writing implements of pens manufactured by the Sylvania Corporation makes this a real possibility.

With more excavation, and after the writing and language of the people who produced the Scroll of Madoff is better understood it is hoped some light can be shed on this curious and ancient civilization.

All we know of them at this point is that for all their mathematical and marketing acumen, their civilization did not appear to be founded on values sustainable over any significant length of time.

By learning about our ancestral past, perhaps we can know what to do with our own future.

Social Scientifically Yours, Enoch.

To commemorate the day when peace broke out all over the Middle East, from this point forward, April First will be known as Middle East Peace Day.

In such Middle Eastern Capitols as Detroit, Minneapolis, Wheeling, and St. Louis hundreds of thousands of unaffiliated hermits did not turn out in mass to protest anything.

Organized groups such as the Citizens United for Anarchy, The American Conference of Agnostics, Atheists, and Believers; and The Federation of Solipsists carried no placards, chanted no chants, and marched no marches.

Small groups of people who did not know one another did not spontaneously break out into slogans like, "What do we demand? Nothing. Why? Because we have it so good here"!

Police without riot gear spent most of the day talking to each other in squad cars parked next to one another. Others in uniform strategically positioned themselves in Dunkin Donuts, and Starbucks shops sipping brownish coffee like hot fluids.

Things went so smoothly all day today, all across the Middle Eastern part of the country that elected officials in the beltway are talking about shutting down the government soon.

"Things are so perfect here, there is no need for government as a check and balance. If you exclude any commodity, good, or service whose price is ascending, there is no inflation. If you don't count anyone who is unemployed, under employer, long term without gainful activity, the national job market looks better than it has in years. There is no class conflict, except economically, which really doesn't matter. Our foreign policy of exporting hiring to provide equilibrium for goods and services imported keeps our balance of trade deficit right where we want it. Lowering taxes on the super rich while eliminating programs for the poor protect an important minority group, and will successfully curb growth of the under class over time".

These words are a direct quote from an anonymous yet reliable source, said a journalist no one cares about.

There was no comment from the silent majority.